For the past year, I have been struggling with loss, depression and OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder); something I do not often share with others. The struggle with OCD is my most difficult challenge, as it follows me everywhere and everything I do. It affects how I prepare myself for the day, how I work, how I study and how I think. Don’t get me wrong – there are advantages. As an employee, it is like having two, sometimes three of me. However, when the perfectionism sets in, as it does when I study, OCD becomes my worst enemy. Likewise, my most innermost thoughts swirl over and over in my head.
I woke up at 5:30 a.m. this morning and realized something was different. In the past, when my little Sebastian was with me, I would often wake up in the middle of the night and be afraid of the day he would leave me. Of course, that day has come and gone (and I have survived it). This morning the fear that I’ve come to know so well re-emerged and it was very real in that moment. Lying next to me was my little Dolly and I knew that it was my fear of losing her. Instead of indulging in that fear, which I normally do, I held her closely and I looked in her eyes and I told her everything I was afraid of. I spoke of how scared I was of the day I was going to lose her, how I felt it would create more void in my life and what she meant to me. I swear, when she lay there looking up at me with those beautiful brown eyes of hers, I feel that in a soul sense she understood everything I was saying. Animals have this amazing ability of relaying their feelings without having to speak. There was a shift that happened for me, because I realized that I had been holding back from loving her unconditionally, which is really sad. Despite being cared for, hugged and nourished…what I mean is truly giving every part of myself to her. That is what I believe unconditional love is, whether it is sharing your love with another human being or an animal. The shift was the realization of not wanting to feed into that fear anymore, so I could be open to love.
Does this mean that I will never feel fearful again? I doubt it. But, I do know that I will allow myself to feel it and try to understand where that fear comes from when it does visit me again. I end today’s post by adding that sometimes it’s okay to just lie down in life and feel like giving up – as long as you get up again! So, e** those that say otherwise! I have learned this past year that life is not always easy and the biggest hurdle was jumping over others’ expectations and judgements. I wish that, whoever you are, you may also experience bumps and shifts with little sparks of joy.
“If there must be madness, chaos and time crunches in your life, then let there be chaos. These things are happening around you; nothing is happening to you. Find the strength and stillness to be the eye inside that storm.” (Amy Jirsa)