I don’t know where to start with this blog post. Today is one of those awful days, in which everything seems to be going wrong. This was not in my plan – you know ‘the 5-year plan’? I had to quit my ok-paying job to complete my practicum and, for the first time in a really long time, I am sitting here unemployed. I also decided to take a semester off of grad studies, because my Dad is terminally ill. Everything that I knew to be my life and my perception of normal does not seem so normal anymore.
Today I will spend time with my Dad who is dying of liver cancer. He has always been special to me and it seems as though I have been worrying about his health and caring for him forever. My parents separated when I was twelve years old and I suddenly became ‘the caregiver’. When I was in my early twenties he started to have heart attacks, minor strokes and then diabetes ensued. Spring 2011 began with many challenges, as he started to have falls and hence begun a litany of Lifeline phone calls, ambulances and hospitals. This man that I have always known as strong, both physically and emotionally, has cried in front of me and is so weak that he cannot stand for more than a minute. This is taking a toll on my heart and my energy. I should mention that he just turned 80, so he is very blessed to have lived this long life.
Knowing that I am going to lose my dad soon is…so confusing. I am sitting here and I am still trying to cope with the loss of Sebastian in a healthy way, while completing my Master’s program. Add the stressors of family politics (and just sh*t in general) and I am beat today. It is only lunch hour. So, with that said, I am going to go for a lovely bike ride. I’ve included a picture of my beautiful Hula bike (except mine has a basket on it and a pretty blue flower ‘n bell) – it makes me smile just looking at it.
I wish you a beautiful day!